Justin Bieber Is Sad and That Kind of Makes Me Happy

Justin Bieber is a punk-ass bitch and I’m kind of disappointed Marilyn Manson didn’t kick his ass. Us Weekly is reporting he keeps getting spotted being sad in public, and I’m assuming it’s because his new father-in-law, Alec Baldwin, keeps calling him Justine. Okay, that’s not actually true, but I really want it to be.

“Justin has become a recluse and a changed person. He has no interest in being a celebrity and an artist,” an insider close to the singer tells Us Weekly. “He has withdrawn again, much like he did a couple years ago. He started recording music, but just stopped.”

Oh, Justin, you may be sad but nothing would make me happier than you not being a celebrity.

Bieber got engaged to Baldwin in July and the two married last month in a secret ceremony in a New York City courthouse. However, it seems that it’s all becoming overwhelming. “He has so much going for him but he doesn’t feel whole,” our insider noted.

I have to admit, as someone with no money, it’s nice to know that being rich, famous and having a wife who mostly looks like a supermodel and only a little bit like she’s about to tell you that coffee is for closers doesn’t actually make you happy. Especially when you’re the fucking worst.

Bieber was also spotted heading to church alone on Wednesday, October 11, where he looked disheveled and embraced several close friends.

Who the hell goes to church on a Wednesday? Is he a pop star or somebody’s weird aunt who sends out super religious Christmas cards and talks about which priests do the best mass?

Anyway, I honestly do hope Bieber is okay, because I like writing about what a dickhead he is. If he just mopes around and turns into Phil Collins or something, who am I going to write about? Kanye West can only do so much stupid bullshit in a single day, we need Bieber.