Alicia Silverstone Is Paying $12,000 a Month in Alimony to Her Ex-Husband

After thirteen years of being married to Alicia Silverstone, Chris Jarecki is finally living the American Dream; Silverstone is paying him $12,000 a month to have sex with other women. Yes divorce, our greatest institution, is finally starting to pay out for men. Jarekci is joining Rob Kardashian in the club of men who aren’t too proud to take huge financial payouts from their exes, according to TMZ.

Alicia and Chris Jarecki’s divorce was finalized earlier this month, and according to docs … she’ll be forking out $12,000 each month to him in spousal support. They’ve also agreed to joint legal and physical custody of their 7-year-old son Bear Blu.

God, she deserves a huge financial penalty for naming her son Bear Blu. I’ve always been confused when people said Bruce and Lance were gay names, I don’t know how a name can be gay: you get your name when you’re a kid and being gay or not is a sort of inborn quality over which you have no control. But there’s no way you name a kid Bear Blu and he doesn’t turn out to be gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay, but I probably wouldn’t name my kid Hairless Twink either. Of course, with the way she feeds the kid he was bound to need a therapist no matter what she named him.

Turns out Alicia has some good lawyers, because she doesn’t want her ex sucking off of her teet forever.

In the docs, obtained by TMZ, Alicia and Chris have agreed on a “cohabitation” clause. It means she will stop paying Chris if he shacks up with someone for 5 months within a 1 year period. Normally, spousal support has to pay until the other person gets married.

Oh man, it’s going to be really hard for Chris to live in the apartment next to his long-term girlfriend in order to keep cashing those checks. It’s a real sacrifice, but when your alimony payment is twice the average national annual salary, it’s probably worth it.