Bristol Palin Thankfully Won’t Ever Date or Marry Again

Bristol Palin has declared to the world that since her divorce from ex-husband, Dakota Meyer, she will never, ever marry or date again. To which the world replied with a collective sigh of relief.

Palin’s divorce from Meyer was just finalized over the summer. But people are seeing the drama of their split play out in all its noxious glory on this season of Teen Mom. Despite not having been a teen mom in a decade, MTV decided to enlist Palin to boost the show’s ratings. Yeah, she’s 27 years old, but y’know, close enough.

On the most recent episode of Teen Mom, the newly divorced Bristol is shown hanging out with her girlfriends who offer to get her set up on a dating site (why?). Bristol gave a hearty laughed and replied:

“Hell to the nah! I’ve only dated one guy that wasn’t from Alaska and look what happened. Learned my lesson. No, I don’t want to date ever!”

“I don’t think I’ll ever get remarried. My parents have been married 30 years, like, of course that would be so incredible to have that. But my thoughts on it have changed so much.”

Having witnessed the sheer desolation of the Palin-Meyer marriage disintegrate, viewers naturally wondered why Bristol would want this spectacle of human misery aired to the public. This is what Bristol had to say:

“I’ve grown up so much the last 10 years, and I think that God gave me this platform to be on this show, to open up my life and to discuss things that are going on or that I’m passionate about.”

“If I can help or encourage others, then I think that that’s what God wanted me to do.”

Bristol, leave God out of this. He’s already embarrassed enough by you and your family’s existence. God does not want to take the blame for you continuing to act like a twat on national television.

The drivel that Bristol is spewing seems to be vaguely alluding to her ex-husband’s struggles with PTSD. It should be noted that it was Dakota Meyer who filed for divorce citing “discord or conflict of personalities.”

Yeah, no s**t. And if this guy has been diagnosed with PTSD, how the f**k is dragging in a production team supposed to help? Having a camera shoved in your face in your own home has got to be absolute hell for someone with PTSD. Wouldn’t be surprised if the cameras made him worse. Jesus Christ, Bristol Palin might actually be a sadist.

So yes, Bristol, the world thanks you for choosing to remain celibate for the rest of your days. We don’t have much faith in you, but the effort is appreciated. As long as you don’t produce yet another child with a random dude to use as an excuse to cry about single motherhood on reality TV.

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