Election 2018 Results: Big Loss for Beyoncé, Big Win for Bigfoot Erotica Guy and a Dead Pimp

The midterm election was last night and the projected “blue wave” turned out to be more of a “blue trickle of piss you get on your pants when you try to put your dick away too quickly on your way to a big meeting.” Democrats took control of the House of Representatives by a smaller-than-expected margin and lost even more seats in the Senate as several of the most conservative Democrats were swept out of office.

The big story here is that Beyoncé doesn’t have the kind of electoral clout that people replying “yas kween!” to every post she makes on social media might think she does. Queen Bey came out on Instagram today to support Beto O’Rourke’s campaign for the Senate in Texas just hours before the polls closed.

Unfortunately it wasn’t enough and greasy wankstain and incest porn retweeter Ted Cruz was reelected to the Senate by a relatively narrow margin. A relatively large contingent of Democrats on Twitter reacted to Beto’s loss by immediately endorsing him as their preferred presidential candidate in 2020, because inspiring losses to the Republicans by candidates endorsed by celebrities is what they’re all about. By the way, that’s not even a joke, people really were talking about Beto 2020 even though his only notable political achievement is losing to one of the most reviled politicians in the country.

Meanwhile in Virginia, Sasquatch porn enthusiast Denver Riggleman won his race for the fifth congressional district, making him only like the 50th biggest weirdo in the House of Representatives. Riggleman defeated a candidate called Leslie Cockburn because apparently just having a guy who jerks it to Bigfoot on the ballot wasn’t funny enough.

Dennis Hof, the late owner of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, won a seat in the Nevada Assembly despite being dead. And the dead pimp didn’t just squeak by, he won in a landslide by a 2-to-1 margin. Hof isn’t the first corpse to win an election; in 2000 the late Mel Carnahan was elected to the US Senate over Republican challenger John Ashcroft, who got to be Attorney General as a consolation prize. Ashcroft was he incumbent in that race, by the way, and people still wanted the dead guy more.

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