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It’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s Fame and Not Her Fucking Vagina Eggs That Won’t Land Her GOOP Investments

Gwyneth Paltrow is convinced that her fame is the reason she struggles to get investors for her lifestyle brand, GOOP. This is what she had to say:

“Being an actress, it was really helpful to get meetings. Sometimes a guy would want a selfie for his wife, or to tell me how much they love The Royal Tenenbaums. It very quickly became a hindrance.”

Yes, Gwyneth. I’m sure it’s your fame that is the absolute, sole reason that prevents you from scoring those sweet, sweet cash deals for your asinine business. I’m sure it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that GOOP peddles the most useless, expensive shit to people like “Psychic Vampire Repellent Spray” (only $30!) and “Condom Dispensers” (just $42!). It’s called a goddamn trashcan, Gwyneth, that is where we peasants dispose of our used condoms.

Ever feel like your home needed a jellyfish tank? An honest-to-God jellyfish tank with live jellyfish? Well, you’re in luck because GOOP sells jellyfish tanks for the bargain price of $1,621.27!

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And damn, The Royal Tenenbaums! It made Gwyneth so famous that people ignore her business propositions! I’m certain that’s why people won’t invest, and not because GOOP dispenses horrendously dangerous health advice like “stick a jade rock in your vagina and let it stew there for a few hours (we have them for $66)!” Or how about when GOOP recommended bee-sting therapy? Yes, a treatment where you are repeatedly stung by bees. Apparently, this is supposed to relieve inflammation. Tell that to someone who turns out to be allergic to bees. Or if someone dies during the treatment.

Basically, Gwyneth, if you’re not getting investments, it’s probably because your brand is complete garbage. Expensive, prettified garbage, but utter trash just the same.

Well, if Paltrow thought she was having trouble with investments before, she’s definitely going to have problems now. After the passing of Stan Lee this week, Paltrow posted a lovely, touching tribute to the renowned Marvel Comics creator:

That’s right, Paltrow took Stan Lee’s death as an opportunity to market GOOP’s clothing. Now, she’ll need to vet her future business meetings to make sure that none of her potential investors are comic book devotees. Paltrow has since deleted the original post, but the internet and Marvel fans never forget.

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