Khloe Kardashian Can Get All the ‘Non-Mature’ Vengeance She Wants on Tristan Thompson

I’m not a huge fan of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, but regardless of whether you watch the show or not, there’s no escaping them. I mean unless you’re cool with pulling a J.D. Salinger and fleeing to the woods of New England with no Internet, no TV, and no connection to the outside world. I mean, if that floats your boat than you do you, friend.

For the rest of us who still live in a reality-TV world, we all know that Khloe Kardashian’s boyfriend, NBA player Tristan Thompson, cheated on her when she was pregnant with their baby daughter.

The public has known for months that Thompson was caught on video cheating on Khloe with multiple women. However, the new season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians is currently airing, and it’s up to the events of the cheating scandal, all leading up to Khloe giving birth.

Thompson’s actions rank high as one of the scummiest, most fucked up thing a person could do to their partner. Cheating on them when expecting a child together. This is almost as high up there as former Senator John Edwards cheating on his wife as she battled breast cancer and impregnating his mistress. Seriously, I’m just waiting to see if some random chick pops up and claims that Thompson knocked her up while Khloe was still pregnant.

When praised by fans for how calm Khloe appeared in the footage of her in labor, Khloe replied saying:

“Oh well I did [some] not so mature things the day prior [emojis for a knife, tears and a fist], but I needed to get that out of my system. Namaste all the way in the hospital.”

Honey, please. I’m sure whatever you did the day before was entirely appropriate. Not only were you cheated on in the most humiliating and public way, but you were pregnant with all those hormones a flowing. Women everywhere greatly admire your restraint (but if you did actually stab that son of a bitch, I’m sure you’d be acquitted). It seems that Khloe has forgiven Thompson for now, but I think we all have our reservations about how long that will last given Thompson’s reputation for infidelity.

Ok, Khloe, if you really want some non-mature, but totally understandable (that probably won’t end with a dead body) methods of vengeance, may I recommend a glitter bomb? Just a nice, well-disguised, spring-loaded glitter bomb that will fucking explode all over your victim. Glitter is like herpes. It never goes away completely. Oh, and you can even get more creative with your glitter bombs! You can send a glitter bomb where the glitter is shaped just like mini penises (also can be an excellent commentary on the victim’s *actual* package), or one where the glitter basically looks like jizz.

Ah, but perhaps glitter is too good for the likes of Thompson? Then I would recommend something really immature and disgusting. But I would reserve this for the worst of the worst: a spring-loaded poop bomb. That’s right, when your victim pops this baby open, he’ll get a face full of s**t in his stupid, fucking, cheating face. But perhaps for Thompson, as an NBA player, I might even go so far as to suggest something almost a little more subtle, yet very direct. This genuine solid-gold (ok, fake gold) dickhead trophy. Just place it in a nice prominent spot one Thompson’s trophy shelf where he, and everyone else can see that Thompson as the ultimate Dickhead. Khloe is more than entitled to any “not-so-mature” revenge.