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Cardi B Really Misses Offset’s Dick

We’ve all been through break-ups where we may not necessarily miss our ex, per se, but damn it, we sure do miss sex. After giving her cheating soon-to-be ex-husband the boot, Cardi B is now feeling that dry spell.

Cardi B recently took to Instagram Live to lament to her followers about her current dickless existence:

“My gag reflexes are leaving cause I haven’t sucked dick in such a long time. “I miss it…a lot. I want it…in my throat…inside of me…demolishing me…destroying me.”

Well, thank you, Cardi B, for that lovely image that has now been burned into my noggin. Good thing I have the sweet, sweet antidote of Chianti on hand. With any luck, if I manage to consume enough before I go to bed tonight, I might be able to have a nightmare-free sleep that doesn’t involve Cardi B sucking Offset’s dick.

But I get it! When you’re married or in a relationship, you do become accustomed to having sex on a regular basis, and if you two break-up, you realize the supply has run out. And it’s a little disconcerting knowing that sex isn’t going to be a consistent thing for a while.

During her Instagram Live, Cardi was definitely feeling the drought, and most troublingly, said this:

“I want it. I’m about to relapse and call.”

Oh, dear. No, no honey. You don’t want to do that. Sex with the ex is never a good idea. You need to stay strong. Besides, you know that Offset’s dick may have been in some questionable places. That is one dick that you need to cross off your short list.

Fortunately, it doesn’t seem that Cardi is actually going to hook back up with her ex-husband. After Offset made a fucking idiot of himself by groveling to Cardi on stage in the middle of her set last weekend, she flat out denied him. If she wanted that jackass back, she could easily have him and he’d come running (mainly because Cardi is the key to his fame). Luckily, Cardi B knows better. Plus, if she really does need to replace the sex supply, it seems like she won’t be short of alternative options.

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