Crazed Bridezilla Orders Fat Guests to Be Camouflaged

Ah, bridezillas. Those soon-to-be brides who, through the painful wedding planning process, make the most inhumane demands of the people around them because they’re down to their last two remaining marbles.

One bride has recently had her Facebook post displayed on Reddit so all can see her in all her cuntrageous glory.

This bride’s mandated dress code for her upcoming Hawaii wedding (a year and a half out) is horrifically and bizarrely detailed and categorized. Not only has she decreed a dress code for men and women, but has announced a dress code based on guests’ SPECIFIC WEIGHTS. That is horrendous on so many levels on its own, but it just keeps getting worse. Let’s break this down from the beginning, shall we?

“The dress code is very specific because it will be used to create an incredible visual effect. If done right, it will make our synchronized dancing along the [redacted] beach really pop.”

Holy f**k. Is this woman forcing her guests to do a synchronized dance? Along the beach? What is this going to look like, a primitive war dance? Are there going to be animal sacrifices involved as well? Besides the fact that forced synchronized dance is utterly demeaning, how is this dance realistically going to look decent if nobody has rehearsed it?

And now we have the god-awful, garish, vomit-inducing dress-code:

“WOMEN (100-160 LBS)

-GREEN Velvet Sweater

-ORANGE Suede Pants

-Louboutin heels (the famous RED heeled shoes (when we spin and lift our feet the effect will amaze you)

-Burberry scarf

MEN (100-160 LBS)

-PURPLE Fuzzy Jacket

-Soda Hat

-All White Trainers

-Plain Glow Sticks”

Obviously, this bride’s goal is for everyone to look as hideous as possible to make herself look better by comparison. Green velvet sweaters and fuzzy purple jackets? I’m trying to picture it, and in my mind, everyone looks like they’re wearing they’re wearing dead Muppet carcasses. Seriously, lady, how many innocent Jim Henson monsters will have to die for your bridal dream?

Also, if you’re uncertain as to what a “soda hat” is, I think she means this. However, this has the potential to be hilariously misconstrued, and I could easily see someone(s) showing up wearing a hat like this.

Bridezilla then tells all the fat people to keep themselves as well-hidden as possible. Women over 160 lbs must wear all black and the obese men are relegated to black and white camouflage.

And if you think any child guests will survive this crazed woman’s madness, well, you would be wrong!

“CHILDREN

RED from head to toe. Remember, the kids will form the shape of a heart, it needs to be true red, not blood orange or some bullshit!”

Oh God, won’t someone think of the children?? No parent allow their children to be a part of any forced heart dancing. This is child abuse in its finest form and should be punishable with prison time.

And if all of this isn’t nightmarish enough, Bitch Bride has ordered her guests to wear formal attire in addition to their ugly dance outfits.

“All jokes aside, we want you to invest in an outfit valued at $1,000. This includes accessories, jewelry, makeup, and hair.”

And the $1,000 outfit investment is on top of being forced to buy the ugly dance ritual costumes and the Louboutin shoes all the (non-fat) women must purchase (which on average cost around $695). Not to mention all the costs of travel and lodgings for Hawaii and the expensive wedding gifts that this entitled twat no doubt demands.

Oh, it turns out Princess Bitch found out about the Reddit post and is PISSED that someone was making fun of her dream for her precious day. She’s gearing up to throw a “polygraph party” to suss out the responsible party. Once the culprit is discovered, she will evict them from her life (I’m surprised that more people aren’t confessing regardless of whether they did it or not). You check out the entire response here.

The wedding industry gets a lot of flack for making women go insane because their marketing promises brides an unrealistic dream. But let’s face it, the industry can’t create these horrific excuses for human beings. These repulsive people were already disgustingly obnoxious, to begin with, but because they want to be special princesses on their wedding day, they’re just much worse than usual.

I expect most of these guests will opt out of this wedding after seeing this idiotic dress code along with the threat of a moronic, mandatory dance ceremony. With any luck, Bitch Bride will cut all  of the decliners out of her life, so no one will have to be subjected to her ever again.