ESC

Finally, Someone Is Speaking Up for Our Most Maligned Minority: Dudes With Huge Dongs

The Guardian was once viewed as a bastion of journalistic integrity whose output was held to the highest standards. Not content with throwing that away by publishing completely unconfirmed and most likely made-up stories about Julian Assange, they’re now publishing anonymous op-eds about how difficult it is to have a huge cock.

I have an extremely large penis. According to an online size chart, I’m in the top 1% in the world. It’s not something that you can really brag about or bring up at dinner parties, but it does have an interesting impact on your sex life.

The top 1% of penis sizes is 7 or more inches. That doesn’t seem large enough to be in The Guardian.

When my wife first saw me naked she was rather intimidated by the idea of penetrative sex, and it took us several months of practice before we were even partially successful. We’ve been together almost five years and I could count on one hand the number of times we’ve managed to achieve full penetration.

We persist because we feel it’s an important way to feel close to each other, but it requires patience and effort. My wife needs to have an orgasm and uses two vibrators of differing sizes, before she is mentally and physically relaxed enough to take me.

See, it says this was written by some anonymous dude who wants to brag about having a huge dong, but I’m becoming convinced it’s written by an editor with a tiny penis so he can show it his wife and be like “See, I told you it’d be too much if I was over three inches!”

Despite everything, my wife says she loves me just the way I am.

It’s great that he found a woman who can accept him in spite of his huge penis. For too long women have been too focused on finding men with tiny wangs, it’s high time something good happens to men with  a penis the size of a wiffle ball bat. You know, the red ones, not the yellow ones.

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