ESC

Cardi B Killed It at the AVN Awards where Stormy Daniels Won Mainstream Performer of the Year

The Adult Video News (or AVN) Awards were this past weekend, and that means lots of new names for you to Google. The headliner was Cardi B, the first female performer in the history of the event because Cardi B is the fucking best. Also, I think Cardi has what it takes to win one of these herself some day.

The show also gave out a ton of awards in some of the best categories I’ve ever heard of. You know there’s a Best Screenwriting category? Yeah, that’s right, the porn awards have a writing award. I think I can win that one, my dialogue is very strong. “Oh god, I love having two cocks in my ass!” I’ll be waiting for your call, San Fernando Valley producers. They didn’t even announce the winner for that one on their Twitter feed, I guess they give that one away at the Creative Arts AVN Awards with Best Non-Sex Performance and Best Lewd Propositions Movie. Those are real, too.

Here are some of the winners from the bigger categories, who we honor for their service.

Female Performer of the Year

Angela White

Male Performer of the Year

Manuel Ferrara

Transsexual Performer of the Year

Chanel Santini

Best Action/Thriller

The Possession of Mrs. Hyde

Best Drama

After Dark

Yeah, those last two are real. I didn’t even know those were things they did in porn.

The big winner, though, was Stormy Daniels, who won Best Mainstream Performer for sucking Donald Trump’s little mushroom dick. There’s a lot of hard work and sacrifice, but she finally made it.

It’s really great that they have these awards so I know which porno movie has the best editing. I would hate to watch a porno with bad editing. I know that sounds like a joke, but it would be distracting if you were watching a woman give a blowjob and then there was a smash cut to her getting slammed by four dudes. I need to know where those guys came from and why she doesn’t have the money for the repair services and delivery foods she ordered from them.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a lot of work to do comparing the list of nominees to the winners to make sure no mistakes were made. I am going to do an exhaustive study of these awards. Please send Gatorade.

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