Forget ‘Jagged Little Pill,’ Here Are the 90s Albums We Want to See Turned Into Musicals

Diablo Cody is turning Alanis Morrisette’s seminal 90s album Jagged Little Pill, which I heard was about Dave Coulier, into a broadway musical. I’m guessing it’s going to be as terrible as it sounds. It’s a wafer-thin plot wrapped around excuses for characters to sing Alanis Morrisette songs, something most people don’t even want to hear Alanis Morrisette do anymore.

Instead of spending a mortgage payment seeing this show, which is already sold out, why not see one of The Blemish’s┬ánostalgia-exploiting Off-Off-Off Broadway adaptations of other 90s albums into tedious musicals?

Disintegration – The Cure

This was the album that 90s kids played while smoking cloves and talking about how much they hate their parents, their classmates and their lack of basic social skills. Like all Broadway musicals, there’s not a single song on this album that doesn’t make me want to kill myself. The plot of the musical is that a teenager thinks dressing in all black and wearing eyeliner makes him seem interesting.

Ten – Pearl Jam

There’s so much depth to this album you actually could make a play out of it. Eddie Vedder tapped into a lot of really primal, personal stuff writing this album, but I actually just want to do this to make him explain what the f**k “Yellow Ledbetter” is actually about.

Surfacing – Sarah McLachlan

It’s exactly like Cats, but all the cats have feline AIDS and only you can save them by throwing money at your TV.

Trompe le Monde – Pixies

It’s not actually a musical, it’s just a playbill you can take to your high school reunion and talk about how much you loved the Pixies when you were younger, but you’re a liar, Becca, because we all know you spent all of senior year obsessed with O-Town and when you saw the picture of Kim Deal in my locker, you said, and I quote, “Ew, who’s the sad lady with the guitar?” It’s a bass, Becca, you fucking poser!

Exile in Guyville – Liz Phair

It’s a classic Broadway story about a girl who sets out to be a singer and puts out one of the best, most emotionally resonant albums ever, then follows it up with an album that almost defines alternative rock and just when people are starting to think she might be the voice of a generation, she sells out and turns into Christina fucking Aguilera, shits out some pop album no one will remember and spends the rest of her career chasing the credibility she once had.

Macarena – Los del Rio

We charge $50,000 a seat, get every rich asshole in the country to come by advertising it as the most exclusive show to ever hit Broadway, then we barricade the doors and just pump “Macarena” into the theater for four hours until they all lose their minds and rip each other to shreds with their bare hands like in The Kingsman.

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