Heinz Unleashes Its Ketchup Caviar for the Upwardly Mobile Lower Class

Have you always wanted to try caviar but thought it was too hoity-toity? Or maybe it was a bit too French for you. Ever wanted something more American and down to earth but shaped into little fish eggs that you could impress your friends with at the next BBQ where you made your special burgers that no one really likes but says they do to not hurt your feelings? Heinz has got you covered with their new Ketchup Caviar!

Heinz announced the poor man’s caviar on Thursday to improve “any true ketchup lover’s Valentine’s Day meal.”

There’s no actual caviar in this. They’re just pearls of Heinz Tomato Ketchup. They say it tastes a little different than the ketchup you’re used to but it can still be used on burgers. Plus, you can’t even buy this Ketchup Caviar. You can only hope to win one of the 150 jars by tweeting with the hashtags #HeinzKetchupCaviar and #Sweeps.

Which is just as well. I’m pretty sure if I threw a romantic Valentine’s dinner of a hot dog with balls of ketchup plopped on it I’d be punched in the mouth.

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