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The Oscar Nominations Are Here, Honoring All the Films You’ll Maybe Watch Next Year If There’s Nothing Else Good on Netflix

The Oscars are my favorite night of the year. After the Academy goes all 1920s gangster on anyone thinking of presenting a SAG award, we finally get to see our favorite Hollywood stars spending four hours acting as if being in a movie about the Holocaust that came out in mid-December is a greater contribution to humanity than curing polio. And today we found out what films you haven’t seen or heard of are being honored.

BEST PICTURE

Black Panther
BlacKkKlansman
Bohemian Rhapsody
The Favourite
Green Book
Roma
A Star Is Born
Vice
I’m guessing Green Book will win here; it won the Golden Globe and it’s about a white person being nice to a black person despite everyone else being racist and that’s a thing the old white people who vote on the Oscars like. Then again, the screenwriter liked Donald Trump so it could be anybody’s ballgame.
Actor in a Starring Role
Christian Bale, Vice
Bradley Cooper, A Star Is Born
Willem Dafoe, At Eternity’s Gate
Rami Malek, Bohemian Rhapsody
Viggo Mortensen, Green Book
Rami Malek seems like a strong contender here, a straight actor playing a queer character is historically a great way to win an Oscar. Seriously, do you think Hillary Swank was the best actress of 1999? Really? But it’ll probably be Christian Bale.
Actress in a Starring Role
Yalitza Aparicio, Roma
Glenn Close, The Wife
Lady Gaga, A Star Is Born
Olivia Colman, The Favourite
Melissa McCarthy, Can You Ever Forgive Me?
You’d think I’d go with Olivia Colman here because of the aforementioned straight actor, queer character thing, but The Favorite was a comedy and that’s just never going to cut it for the Academy voters. I’m going with Glenn CLose because the old men who vote for these things are the exact target audience for her saggy naked romp.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Mahershala Ali, Green Book
Adam Driver, BlacKkKlansman
Sam Elliott, A Star Is Born
Richard E. Grant, Can You Ever Forgive Me
Sam Rockwell, Vice
I’m almost positive Mahershala Ali wins here. Green Book is exactly the kind of toothless, feelgood social commentary voters love, and Ali is a very talented actor.
Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams, Vice
Marina de Tavira, Roma
Regina King, If Beale Street Could Talk
Emma Stone, The Favourite
Rachel Weisz, The Favourite
I think Amy Adams wins here. Movies about the Bush Administration being full of sociopaths is always a safe bet at the Oscars.
Director
Spike Lee, BlacKkKlansman
Pawel Pawlikowski, Cold War
Yorgos Lanthimos, The Favourite
Alfonso Cuarón, Roma
Adam McKay, Vice
I’m guessing Alfonso Cuarón wins, but Yorgos Lanthimos also has a really good chance, I did hear a lot about The Favorite on NPR.
There’s also lots of other categories, but does anyone care who wins Best Lighting or Best Craft Service Spread or whatever else they give out in the middle of the ceremony when everyone is flipping over to see Bob’s Burgers? Best Animated Feature Film maybe, but it’s just going to be Incredibles 2. Since they started giving out that award in 2001, Disney has won all but five years, and nine of the twelve Disney wins were for Pixar films. That’s your safest bet of the night, but you’ll probably be able to put in a really good showing in your office Oscar pool if you pick Black Panther for all the “who cares” awards like Outstanding Achievement in Sound Mixing.

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