The Oscar Nominations Are Here, Honoring All the Films You’ll Maybe Watch Next Year If There’s Nothing Else Good on Netflix

I’m guessing Green Book will win here; it won the Golden Globe and it’s about a white person being nice to a black person despite everyone else being racist and that’s a thing the old white people who vote on the Oscars like. Then again, the screenwriter liked Donald Trump so it could be anybody’s ballgame.

Rami Malek seems like a strong contender here, a straight actor playing a queer character is historically a great way to win an Oscar. Seriously, do you think Hillary Swank was the best actress of 1999? Really? But it’ll probably be Christian Bale.

You’d think I’d go with Olivia Colman here because of the aforementioned straight actor, queer character thing, but The Favorite was a comedy and that’s just never going to cut it for the Academy voters. I’m going with Glenn CLose because the old men who vote for these things are the exact target audience for her saggy naked romp.

I’m almost positive Mahershala Ali wins here. Green Book is exactly the kind of toothless, feelgood social commentary voters love, and Ali is a very talented actor.

I think Amy Adams wins here. Movies about the Bush Administration being full of sociopaths is always a safe bet at the Oscars.

I’m guessing Alfonso Cuarón wins, but Yorgos Lanthimos also has a really good chance, I did hear a lot about The Favorite on NPR.

There’s also lots of other categories, but does anyone care who wins Best Lighting or Best Craft Service Spread or whatever else they give out in the middle of the ceremony when everyone is flipping over to see Bob’s Burgers? Best Animated Feature Film maybe, but it’s just going to be Incredibles 2. Since they started giving out that award in 2001, Disney has won all but five years, and nine of the twelve Disney wins were for Pixar films. That’s your safest bet of the night, but you’ll probably be able to put in a really good showing in your office Oscar pool if you pick Black Panther for all the “who cares” awards like Outstanding Achievement in Sound Mixing.