Artie Lange, Somehow Still Alive, Is Heading To Rehab

If you’re not a Howard Stern fan, you might not be familiar with Artie Lange, the comic who is otherwise most famous for his stint on MADTV and his supporting role as a department store Santa in Elf. Everyone who knows Artie loves him, but he has a problem: cocaine. Artie has done so much cocaine his fucking nose exploded, which I didn’t know was a thing, but here we are.

Gah! Seriously, what the hell is that? See a plastic surgeon, Artie. They can work magic with noses, just ask Scarlett Johansson for her guy’s number. Have you ever seen her before pictures? They basically built her entire body out of gauze and struts.

All of the sudden a few days ago, Artie’s people posted a notice to his Twitter that he was going into a long-term treatment facility.

They later added he was being held by police to sober up and had not been arrested, despite reports to the contrary.

Variety seemingly confirmed this, saying that while he had drugs, there was a record of him having drugs but nothing that normally accompanies an arrest.

According to the Essex County Correctional Facility inmate database, Lange was in possession of a controlled substance. However, there is no sentencing or bond information listed on the website. Lange’s team did not address the controlled substance possession, but said “it’s time.”

I love Artie because he gave the world That’s My White Mama:

Man, that still holds up. Get your s**t together, Artie, we’re pulling for you.

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