Gwyneth Paltrow is Bringing Goop TV to Netflix

Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn roughly translates from the language of the Old Gods into English as “Netflix has just signed on to produce a TV show with Gwyneth Paltrow based on her Goop website.” The prophecy has been fulfilled, and the rumored Goop show is coming. I can hear Netflix subscribers getting dumber already.

Here’s how Variety described the series:

Still untitled, Goop’s streaming series will hit Netflix this fall and consist of 30-minute episodes hosted by the site’s editors, chief content officer Elise Loehnen and Paltrow. The team will utilize experts, doctors, and researchers to examine issues relating to physical and spiritual wellness.

This is going to be like that Marie Kondo show only instead of “does this spark joy” she’s going to be asking “Should I put this in my vagina?” and the answer is always going to be yes. Ladies, I know I don’t have a vagina and after just spending a week with my partner during her lady times, I’m quite glad I don’t, but if you want to put something inside your vagina to increase your physical and spiritual well-being, try one of those pussy-licking robots or your own fingers. Whatever Gwyneth Paltrow tells you to put in there, don’t.

“Gwyneth is a highly visual, tactile person. The quality of everything that we produce is very important to her,” Loehnen said. “She’s always looking for white space. Whether it’s developing physical products or thinking of content. With this show, I think she’s only really interested in opportunities where we can uniquely be ourselves and do things potentially disruptive.”

No matter how many times I read that, it doesn’t say anything. Does she say anything at all in that entire paragraph? It’s just a kind of melange of buzzwords. Which I suppose is fitting, because so is her website and I don’t see how the TV show will any better. Seriously, Thanos killed Spider-Man and Star-Lord, but this bitch is running around the Marvel Universe telling people to rub the ashes of their dead relatives on their nipples if they want to live forever?

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