Where Do These Tapes of R. Kelly Having Sex With Apparently Underage Girls Keep Coming From?

Imagine you’re cleaning out your old VHS tapes looking for some sports bloopers, maybe some Dorf on Golf, and you come across a tape marked R. Kelly. “Oh, what’s on this?” you ask yourself. “A musical concert by Robert Kelly? I’ll put it in my VCR, which I still have for some reason. Oh my, this is not a musical performance at all, it’s a man who appears to be R. Kelly having sex with underaged girls. Ethel, boil the tea!” This is exactly what NBC News reported happened to a Pennsylvania man.

Dennis, a nursing home assistant, told reporters that he found the footage after seeing a tape marked “R. Kelly.”

He said he’d never met Kelly and wasn’t sure where it came from, NBC New York reported.

“I thought it was a recording of an R. Kelly concert,” Dennis said in a statement, adding that it instead appeared to show Kelly “engaging with these children in sexually abusive acts.”

That raises a question: why does this dude have a video of R. Kelly having sex with underage girls, if that’s what this is? Where are these things coming from? Is R. Kelly just the Johnny Appleseed of child porn? Is he just wandering the countryside, handing out VHS tapes of himself sexually abusing young girls?

R. Kelly’s lawyer has a theory.

In a statement, Kelly’s lawyer, Steve Greenberg, denied that the singer was on “any” tape.

“It’s not him,” Greenberg said, adding that it was “obviously now just open season on R. Kelly.”

I mean, that’s probably more believable than “Some random dude found a video of R. Kelly having sex with underage girls in his crawl space and he doesn’t know where it came from.” In fact, given he choice between that and “No, he didn’t,” R. Kelly’s defense doesn’t seem so outrageous.