‘Avengers: Endgame’ Breaks Box Office Records, Fan’s Jaws and Brains

Avengers: Endgame debuted last weekend, and everyone has lost their fucking mind over it. Really. It made $1.2 billion dollars in its opening weekend, which is more than any movie has ever made. And if you thought Marvel superfans were insufferable before this, well, buckle up.

For example, there’s this widely-disseminated deleted tweet.

Yeah, the greatest achievement in culture the world has ever seen. Like calm down, Endgame isn’t even the best Avengers movie and these things still aren’t as good as the Star Wars trilogy.

But Marvel fans take this s**t really seriously. So seriously that fans physically assaulted a moviegoer over spoilers in Hong Kong, as reported by Deadline.

A man who obviously didn’t get the memo on Avengers: Endgame — or chose to ignore it — was beaten outside a Hong Kong cinema for shouting out spoilers to fans waiting in line to see the film.

Taiwanese media said the man, who was not identified, was left bloodied outside a cinema in Causeway Bay, after watching the movie.

A photo of the purported victim circulated online and shows him sitting on the street with blood coming from his head.

Well, one incident like that isn’t so bad, I guess. It’s not like someone saw the movie and freaked out so badly they had to be hospitalized. What’s that you say, Consequence of Sound? That happened? F**k me.

According to China News (via CinemaBlend), a 21-year-old fan in China was actually sent to the hospital after uncontrollably sobbing during the film. Though she made it through the screening, she couldn’t stop crying after leaving the theater. ER doctors believed she was hyperventilating and gave her oxygen until her symptoms were under control.

That sounds like a panic attack to me. An adult human being had a panic attack about a movie with a Happy Meal tie-in.

Look, the Marvel movies aren’t bad. I know I give them a lot of s**t, but they’re carefully engineered to all be pretty good movies. But we’ve had blockbuster movies for 40 years now, when did adults start losing their minds for them and making them part of their identity. Besides Star Wars, that is. So watch Endgame. Enjoy it. But don’t think that it’s the height of culture, or something worth having a panic attack or getting into a physical fight over. It’s just a movie. A good movie, but there are dozens of better movies. Like Annie Hall and The Godfather.

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