Movie Adaptation of ‘Cats’ to Feature Cat-Sized Humans, Give Audience Nightmares For Life

Cats is terrible. And when I say it’s terrible, I mean it’s uniquely terrible even among musicals. All musicals are terrible, except for Little Shop of Horrors and West Side Story, but Cats takes the cake, and the cake is one of those cakes that looks like a litter box but then turns out to have actual cat s**t on it. And the thing about Cats is that everyone knows it’s terrible; the last season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt had an episode about how it turned out to be fake and just starred people who jumped on stage from the audience because who would actually make that play?

Well, Hollywood is making a feature film based on this terrible Broadway play that everyone hates because why not, we need something to put on screens between Marvel movies. And this movie is going to scale the stars down to cat-size, finally showing everyone how horrifying the idea of anthropomorphic cats the size of cats actually is.

Via The Guardian:

The footage showed actors wearing not tights and whiskers but full-body motion-capture suits as well as VFX dots on their faces, which suggests their performances will be heavily modified by CGI. The video revealed that virtual cat hair will then be stuck on, with the use of “digital fur technology to create the most perfect covering of fur”.

The video also showed that furniture and props were scaled up so that the actors would appear to be the size of actual cats, adding – suggested the producers – a sense of both realism and childlike magic.

Yeah, okay, like The Lion King, right? No, they’re dancing. Cats don’t dance. They even made a whole movie about the extent to which cats dance, which is zero.

Here’s what’s going to happen. They’re going to have movie stars on two legs CGIed to look like humanoid cats, but not the sexy anime body pillow kind. The cat-sized kind. And since they’re getting major stars like Ian McKellan, Judy Dench and Taylor Swift, they’re going to show their faces. probably covered in fur, but instead of a cat face, that tiny Jellicle is going to have Taylor Swift’s face. I’m already having nightmares about this. My cat is sleeping next to me while I’m writing this and I’ve told him in no uncertain terms he better not start to look like Judy Dench and start dancing.