ESC

Lamar Odom Used a Fake Penis to Cheat an Olympic Drug Test

Pot laws are stupid. There’s really no reason for cannabis to be illegal, and there’s doubly no reason to drug test pro athletes for it. It’s not a performance-enhancing drug and it’s a hell of a lot safer than filling athletes full of prescription heroin when they could be smoking harmless pot. You know what doesn’t happen on pot? You don’t see Brett Favre’s cock. That only happens when he’s taken 15 codeine in an afternoon and slipped into his finest pair of Crocs.

Speaking of pot and athletes’ cocks, Lamar Odom used a fake cock to pass a drug test when he was on the 2004 USA Olympic Basketball team. By the way, that was the finest segue in the history of this site, I know. While you bask in that, here’s what Odom said about the fake penis incident in his new book Darkness to Light, via People.

At the time, Odom was using drugs and knew that he wouldn’t pass an official test, which would disqualify him from competing at the Olympics in Athens, Greece.

Then living in Los Angeles, Odom received a “call from USA Basketball that a drug tester would be coming to my house in a few days to administer the screening,” he writes. “There was absolutely no way I was going to pass. I’d been smoking weed every day that summer. Panic set in.”

Again, weed is harmless and doesn’t help you play basketball better. It just helps you eat an entire thing of cheese and fall asleep at 2 p.m. better.

And when the official tester arrived at Odom’s home to administer the test, the NBA champion was prepared, recruiting his drug-free trainer “to urinate into the reservoir of the phallus, which was hidden in the balls,” he writes.

“He handed me the rubber penis and left the bathroom as I strapped it on,” Odom writes about his trainer.

The NBA security official then entered the bathroom and watched from two feet away as Odom squeezed out his trainer’s pee from the prosthetic.

“I unzipped my pants and carefully slid the fake penis through the zipper hole. To get the pee to come out of the tip, I had to squeeze the shaft repeatedly,” Odom writes.

Who hasn’t found themselves in a bathroom with a security officer and a strap-on full of someone else’s urine? I guess you can use it to pass a drug test, too, which is very creative.

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