Robert Pattinson is Batman, Just in Case You Still Thought Superhero Movies Were Cool

Hey, remember when vampires used to be awesome? They were these strong, scary, slightly h**o-erotic creatures of the night who lived in giant castles surrounded by bats, and then Robert Pattinson came along and made them whiny  100-year-old virgins and Christian allegories with diamond skin. Robert Pattinson ruined vampires and also probably Kristen Stewart, who looked way hotter with long hair.

Now Pattinson is playing Batman, who is a strong, scary, slightly h**o-erotic creature of the night who lives in giant mansion surrounded by bats and oh s**t it’s happening again isn’t it? Batman is our coolest non-Wolverine superhero, we need to protect him from this kind of bullshit. I just have a feeling this movie to make us long for the dark seriousness of Adam West’s Batman or the rugged heterosexuality of Joel Schumacher’s Batman Forever.

Variety reports that the script of the movie isn’t even finished yet, so there’s plenty of time left to ruin it to match its star.

Warner Bros., in giving Reeves plenty of time to develop the script, is hoping the latest iteration of the DC icon is done right, following the disappointments of “Batman v Superman” and “Justice League.”

And yet they cast Robert Pattinson as Batman.

No word on if Joe Manganiello will show up as Deathstroke the Terminator in this outing, but I wouldn’t count on it. Can you see a world where Robert Pattinson  slugs it out with Joe Manganiello and wins? They could have just done a Batman TV show on the CW instead of this, and avoided the potential controversy with Ruby Rose.

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