Amish Car Thief Turns Out to be Terrible Driver

Ahh, the Amish. You can talk as much s**t about the Amish as you want on the Internet and they’ll never know. How would they? If you’re reading this and you’re Amish you’re going to hell buddy, your God is super into not using electronics. I’m pretty sure he’s even down on indoor plumbing, so iPhones are just right out, English.

But the Amish are not so different from us, as tells us, they like to drink and aren’t all that observant of their religion. Yes, this is the tale of Jacob J. Byler, an Amish man who stole a care to get a drink.

According to the complaint, Byler told the officers “he couldn’t lie and that he took the car,” and Patrolman Wittenburg immediately read him his Miranda rights.

Byler allegedly went on to say that he knew his rights and continued to tell the officers that he went to his neighbor’s house with the intention of getting a ride into town, but when he noticed the keys in their vehicle, he decided to take it. He reported that he lost control of the vehicle and hit an embankment near an officer’s residence on Porter Road, but continued driving, the complaint states.

Byler added that he did stop at a gas station in town for gas before continuing to the bar, the complaint indicates.

I, for one, am shocked that this Amish dude is a terrible driver. And what kind of moral code says it’s okay to steal a car to get drunk but lying about it is a bridge too far?

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