The Blemish’s Guide to the 2020 Democratic Primary

Well, the 2020 elections are just around the corner and… wait a second, it’s only 2019, and it’s not even that late in the year. Oh my god that means there’s like 15 more months of this bullshit.

Since there are more Democratic candidates than there are terrible Chuck Lorre TV shows and the first debate is next week, we’ve decided to break them down and let you know who is who. Well, just the major ones. There’s over 20 candidates and no one has ever heard of most them. Like Jay Inslee? No one knows who Jay Inslee is. Jay Inslee’s campaign manager doesn’t know who Jay Inslee is, he just answered a Craigslist ad.

Joe Biden

  • Has a black friend
  • Has way more super-racist, pro-segregation friends
  • Really wants you to focus on how he has a black friend. He’s like the JD to Obama’s Turk
  • Wants to smell your daughter’s hair. For a long time. Way longer than any normal person would be comfortable with

Supported by: Alyssa Milano, people who hate Trump but also hate poor people

Bernie Sanders

  • Would have won in 2016
  • Seriously, like one other person ran in 2016 and now that Sanders is the frontrunner literally 20+ people jump in the race?
  • Every other candidate’s platform is basically “Bernie’s ideas, but watered down to avoid upsetting the 1%”
  • Realistically the only candidate with a chance of beating Trump, so I’m sure the Democrats will end up nominating someone like Bill de Blasio who everyone hates

Supported by: Basically everyone cool; Cardi B, Emily Ratajkowski, Susan Sarandon, John Cusack, Danny DeVito, Mark Ruffalo, Danny Glover… Seriously, there are so many he’s the only 2020 candidate whose endorsements required their own, seperate wikipedia entry.

Beto O’Rourke

  • Your aunt wants to f**k him
  • Whitest Barack Obama impersonator ever
  • Will end his campaign after he falls off of counter in a diner in Lost Buttholes, New Mexico
  • Seriously, he even dresses like Barack Obama with that dress shirt with rolled-up sleeves/mom jeans combo
  • Trump is going to call him “Beta O’Dork”

Supported by: Bars, tree stumps, tables, diner counters and for some reason Willie Nelson and the Grateful Dead’s bass player

Kamala Harris

  • Not the WWF wrestler from the early 90s
  • Is a cop
  • One of like, a dozen women in the race but none of her supporters can state a single reason they like her other than that she’s a woman.

Supported by: WIlliam H Macy and Felicity Huffman, Busy Phillips, every insufferable white feminist on social media who posted crying selfies when Clinton lost

Elizabeth Warren

  • Gets a whole debate to herself like Greg Brady taking the attic from Marsha
  • Has all of Bernie Sanders’ ideas without his baggage, like the will to get them enacted or charisma
  • Plans to beat Trump by getting super excited about math
  • I’m not sure what a school marm is but I know she is one

Supported by: Maybe that racist bowtie dude on Fox News? I seriously couldn’t find a single celebrity endorsement or donation to Warren, but she has to have some, right?

Pete Buttigieg

  • World’s most boring gay dude
  • Highest political office was mayor of a town with fewer residents than this website has readers
  • Wore sunglasses to Pride because all the rainbow flags were too visually stimulating
  • Like Al Gore but without Gore’s famed boisterous, effervescent personality

Supported by: Carl Weathers, the son of the guy who owns Fox News

Amy Klobuchar

  • Has no chance of winning.
  • Eats salad with a comb.
  • Strong support from BDSM community after her treatment of staffers was revealed

Supported by: Her father and her husband, but probably out of fear

Mike Gravel

  • Even older than Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden.
  • Kind of looks like Wilford Brimley.
  • Actually three teenagers in a trenchcoat like an episode of The Little Rascals.
  • Not in the debates but I really wanted to make that Little Rascals joke.

Supported by: That guy who threw his shoe at George W Bush

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