ESC

If You Ever Wanted to Fuck Colonel Sanders, Have We Got the Video Game For You

Have you guys ever heard of a video game genre known as a “visual novel”? They’re basically, as the name implies, reading-heavy games with very little gameplay, and that gameplay usually comes in the form of time management or simple minigames. The Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney games are a somewhat popular example of the genre.

A popular sub-genre of this type of game are dating simulators and eroge, a Japanese portmanteau of “erotic games”, which is exactly what it sounds like. A few years ago, creators started finding some success with parodies of these games, like the infamous Hatoful Boyfriend, a dating game where you and all the other characters are teenage birds looking for love.

Which brings us to today when KFC announced that a game where you try to fuck sexy anime Colonel Sanders is coming to Steam. Seriously. This is really a thing that exists and they announced it on the eve of the anniversary of 9/11, in case you were still confused about why anyone hated America enough to do 9/11.

Yeah, we’re all responsible for this. We live in a society, and that society produced this. The developer of the game is called “psyop” and that cannot be a coincidence.

Here’s what players can expect in the game.

– 9 lovable characters
– Multiple hours of play-through
– Dateable Colonel Sanders
– A secret ending! Shh!
– Secret recipes! Double Shh!
– Cooking battles
– Battle battles
– Earn a degree from a fictional culinary school
– 11 Herbs and Spices
– Cute miniature food
– Officially created by KFC. No, really

In addition to a dating game, it sounds a little bit like Shokugeki no Sanders, which I also don’t want to play and probably went downhill sharply over the past year or so.

At least this affront to all that is good and decent is free to play, so we can take solace in the fact that late capitalism isn’t making us pay for advertisements just yet.

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