‘Parasite’ Wins Big At Oscars

Ladies and gentlemen, let’s check the scoreboard and see if Quentin Tarantino made the best movie of the year for like the seventh time only to once again be robbed of both Best Picture and Best Director, two awards he should have won enough to be able to swim in like Scrooge McDuck.


The big news at last nights Oscar awards was Korean comedy-thriller Parasite’s relative dominance, coming away with statues for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay and Best International Feature Film. Bong Joon-Ho’s film is a lesson to Hollywood that making an overtly left-wing political film and marketing it as being a good movie is going to pay off a lot better than making a mediocre-to-bad film and marketing it as having good politics.

The moment of the night, though, was Joaquin Phoenix winning his Best Actor Oscar for Joker and then going on a crazy rant about veganism. This was the cause of much consternation on social media among film critics too dumb to realize Joker and Parasite were making the exact same political points. Still mad they didn’t get a shooting to write about.

For some reason Eminem performed ‘Lose Yourself’ and Martin Scorsese fell asleep during it, which was absolutely the right call and maybe the best thing Scorsese has done since Goodfellas.

Renee Zellweger picked up her second Oscar, the first for Lead Actress, for Judy, a movie no one saw or had even heard of before tonight but is apparently about the life of Judy Garland.

While my man QT was robbed once again and you fuckers had better recognize him when his next and final film is released, he did pick up Best Production Design for Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood and Brad Pitt got a well-deserved Best Supporting Actor.

Rounding out the major awards was Laura Dean getting Best Supporting Actress for Marriage Story because I guess they have to give it to someone and Natalie Portman’s dumbass cape embroidered with the names of all the female directors who weren’t good enough to be nominated for an Oscar. You know, they say it’s an honor just to be nominated, but can you name a single movie that was nominated and didn’t win in 2018? Do you even remember who won? Has anyone mentioned that dumbass Three Billboards movie that had all that Oscar hype even once since March 4th, 2018? The answer is no because it lost Best Picture to a movie where a lady fucks a fish.

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