ESC

Out of An Abundance of Caution, Absolutely Everything is Cancelled Because of the Coronavirus

I hope you didn’t have any plans, because they’re cancelled. Pretty much any plans, really. South by Southwest? Cancelled. E3? Cancelled. Had concert tickets? They’re cancelled. Wanted to head to the stadium and catch a ball game? Cancelled and even more cancelled. Gonna go to church and pray because you’re worried about it? Cancelled. Want to leave the country? Nope.

Okay, so, you’re not going anywhere. At least you can watch some TV right? Maybe catch up on Riverdale? Nope.

Experts are even suggesting we should cancel our orgies to fight the spread of the coronavirus. That is a bridge too far, my friend. Why even bother to not get the coronavirus if it leads to a world without orgies?

On the bright side, Daniel Radcliffe doesn’t have the coronavirus despite a fake viral article. But unfortunately, Tom Hanks does. Man, I hope he’s okay.

But at least we know O.J. Simpson is staying safe from the virus.

So what can you do? Well, you can go to work unless you want to get fired, lose your house and starve to death, which kind of defeats the purpose of closing everything to begin with.

But there are lots of things to do if you’re stuck inside. Red Dead Redemption 2 and Spider-Man for PS4 are pretty cheap now. You could also watch all those Netflix original comedies like Bojack Horseman and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt until they start to go downhill, which is almost universally after the first season. Big Mouth has a pretty consistent level of quality, but that’s mostly because it’s a really low bar to being with. We get it, the Too Much Tuna guys are horny teenagers and it’s woke but not really.

I’m not a doctor, but I am on social media so I feel qualified to give medical advice. We don’t know how bad this outbreak is going to be, just that it will fall somewhere between “not very” and “extremely”.

You’ve no doubt heard the advice; wash your hands, don’t touch your face, avoid crowds. It doesn’t mean you won’t get sick but it does decrease your chances of getting sick and that’s the best you can do.

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