The New York City Health Department Says You Can Get COVID-19 From Eating Ass

The coronavirus has taken everything we loved away. Riverdale and Flash have shut down production, SXSW and the Olympics were cancelled and who knows when the next Marvel movie might come out. Oh, and your grandparents are probably all going to die.

But finally things have gone too far and the coronavirus is threatening to take away rimjobs. Why even get out of bed? If I can’t eat ass, the ‘Rona may as well just take me into the infinite nothingness.

Well, this is what the New York City Public Health Department is recommending in their new guidelines on how to safely f**k during the apocalypse.

Rimming (mouth on anus) might spread COVID-19. Virus in feces may enter your mouth.

Sounds like someone needs to learn how to properly clean themselves in the shower. Hilariously, though, it does basically say rimjobs are safer than kissing, noting that “kissing can easily pass COVID-19” while eating ass is only a “might.”

You are your safest sex partner. Masturbation will not spread COVID-19, especially if you wash your hands (and any sex toys) with soap and water for at least 20 seconds before and after sex.

I mean, it’s good advice, but did anyone actually think jacking off could spread any disease? That sounds like a fairy tale uptight parents tell their kids to keep from having awkward conversations with their kids about human sexuality. “If you touch yourself below the waist God will kill Grandma with the coronavirus.”

COVID-19 has not yet been found in semen or vaginal fluid.

Blowjobs are back on the menu boys, just make sure you return the favor. Also, someone start a rumor than not shaving your pubes makes you more likely to get the coronavirus. No one wants this extended quarantine to lead to the return of hairy bushes. We’ve evolved as a society and we’re not going back.