You Nerds Freaking Out Because Twitch Streamer Pokimane Has a Boyfriend Need to Learn to Throw a Baseball

I have some general advice for any men in their late teens or early twenties who may need to hear this: if you’re paying a woman money, she is never going to be your girlfriend. I don’t care what reason you’re paying her, if she’s a stripper, hooker, waitress at Hooters, roofer, podcaster or especially Twitch streamer, she is not going to date you and only the hooker is ever going to touch your penis.

I don’t like that I have to keep telling you this, but apparently a lot of people are freaking out that Twitch streamer Imane Anys, or Pokimane, has a boyfriend. I don’t know why you care because it was never going to be you. But after drama YouTuber LeafyIsHere posted a video about Anys and suggested the hashtag “PokimaneBoyfriend” (which trended on Twitter), she did see a lot of angry people claiming they were somehow bamboozled because the internet lady with five million followers isn’t their special lady.

Look, I’ve had celebrity crushes before, and regular readers will be very familiar with them, specifically my crushed on Ariel Winter, Kristen Stewart and Brie Larson. I’m not going to date any of them.

If you want to get a girlfriend, don’t subscribe to a Twitch channel unless it’s about learning to play the guitar. How do you think David Bowie slept with all those beautiful women like Elizabeth Taylor, his wife Angie, Mick Jagger and that underage groupie who also slept with Emerson and Palmer but not Lake? Musicians get chicks, it’s basically the only reason music was invented.

And if you learn to shoot a basketball you can get a Kardashian.

But the truth is, Pokimane only had a small drop in subscribers and actually had more people than usual tune into her stream over the weekend, probably to see if she addressed the drama or to see if sheks hot enough to attract that many simps (she’s okay, but she’s no Kristen Stewart).

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