The Royal Family Better Watch Out, Queen Elizabeth is Personally Investigating Who Made a Racist Remark to Prince Harry

Imagine if you will, the royal family all sitting at a dinner table in Buckingham Palace, minding their own business when suddenly they hear glass shatter and ‘God Save the Queen’ starts playing. “Bah Gawd,” Prince Edward exclaims, “That’s mummy’s music!” And then the 94-year-old Queen Elizabeth II slides into the room with a steel chair in hand and a deerstalker cap on under her crown. The good crown, the one for special occasions.

I wasn’t actually there, but I assume that’s basically how the Queen’s investigation into Prince Harry’s claim that one of the senior royals asked him if he’d thought about “how dark” the skin of any children he’d have with Meghan Markle would be and “how that would look” went down.

Yeah, how dare Harry sully the bloodline with a beautiful Hollywood actress. Have you seen a picture of the royal family? They look like a crowd shot from The Walking Dead.

But Page Six did report that the Queen was interviewing senior royals about the incident and that, perhaps more shockingly, it doesn’t appear to have been Charles who said it.

“It goes against everything the Prince of Wales believes in,” a source told the Evening Standard, using Charles’ formal title. “He believes diversity is the strength of our society.”

He also believes in homeopathy and the healing power of crystals.

So… who wants to take bets on who said it? Harry was quite insistent that it wasn’t Her Maj or her husband Prince Phillip, and if Charles is out, too, then my money is on Anne, just by process of elimination. It doesn’t seem like the sort of thing Edward would say, he seems the least interested in that sort of thing, and if it was Andrew they would throw his ass under the bus to Jeffrey Epstein’s private island so fast the whole family’s crypt keeper-looking heads would spin.

There have also been suggestions it could have been William, and that this incident is what caused so much strain between the two. It may seem less likely that it was one of the younger royals, but are you really going to go “A racist 38-year-old? Unheard of!”

We do have to remember we’re dealing with old, rich people who have very much dedicated their lives to the idea of propriety and the way things are done. It was in the lifetime of the current Monarch that King Edward VIII abdicated the throne because he wanted to marry a woman who was divorced and that simply wasn’t allowed. While he and his eventual wife were painted in a bad light at the time, I literally cannot think of anything more romantic than a King giving up the monarchy for love. I assure you that for the rest of his life Wallace Simpson did things every night that most wives will only do on their husband’s birthday.

So basically, the Queen has quite the mystery to solve. Okay, so she’s probably just going to ask Harry about it and then ask whoever he names what, exactly, they were thinking, but it is kind of fun to think about her gathering everyone in the foyer like Inspector Poirot and explaining how everyone was responsible for the racism.