Oprah has confessed to fans that she had a baby with an unknown father when she was only 14 after years of sexual abuse and promiscuity. The child was born premature and died shortly after birth, but Oprah felt the need to reveal her dark secret after one family member sold the story to the National Enquirer.

Man, she had a baby at 14 and it took her all this time to lose that baby weight? Sheesh. Talk about lazy. I couldn’t even imagine what sex with Oprah would be like. No really, I can’t. I told doctors to install a chip in my head to prevent these type of “fantasies.” I use that word very loosely. In related news, Oprah is number one on Forbes’ list of richest women entertainers. So by the time you read this, Oprah would have already instructed her robots to kill me and make it look like a suicide.