O.J. Simpson

Last season, Piers Morgan, a relative unknown, won The Celebrity Apprentice barely beating out lovable country music star Trace Adkins. OJ Simpson, sensing that the time was nigh, is now petitioning Donald Trump to put him on next season’s The Celebrity Apprentice. According to Page Six, “Simpson really wants to do it. Trump and NBC are thinking about it, but are being very cautious,” our source said. “There’s a certain amount of heat associated with Simpson.”

If I was OJ, here’s what I’d do to win. Every task, I will make at least one stabbing joke. During the project or boardroom whenever one of the other contestants complains or displeases me in any way, I’d give them a mean look and do the throat slitting motion with my finger and point in their direction to make sure they know that message was specifically for them. I’d also constantly stab at my food. Angrily. And if none of that works, I’d shank them while they slept because it’s not like I got in trouble for it the first time.