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In the January 2011 edition of Esquire, Mary-Louise Parker says she’d rather give a gummer to a meth addict than use Twitter. Well, okay, she didn’t say that exactly, but she might as well have. It’s implied.

Her real quote, “I’d rather have to put my teeth in a jar at the end of the day than Twitter.”

Then she went on to say a bunch of other stuff that belongs inside a poorly translated fortune cookie. For example, talking about her work not being for everyone, “If I were a beer, I definitely would not be a Budweiser.” What beer would you be then, Mary? Is it a Heineken?

She added, “If being honest is the goal, I can unzip to a pretty deep level. But what you get today is not necessarily what you’ll get tomorrow.” How long did the awkward silence last after she said this. I would assume a while because the interviewer needed time to recover from bashing himself over the head with a toaster.