War Machine Arrested, Tased

Jon “War Machine” Koppenhaver has finally been captured. He was taken into custody Friday afternoon at an Extended Stay America hotel in Simi Valley. According to an eyewitness, cops tased War Machine to subdue him.

“And they were like banging on the door, trying to get it open, and they’re like, ‘Open the door, open the door,” Nicolle Blankenship told the station. “Finally when they got it open they yelled, ‘Gun,’ and then all of a sudden you see them shoot him with a Taser. And he got shot with a Taser and he went down to the floor, and then they handcuffed him.”

Inside, officers discovered “a small quantity of cash and some pizza.” Jon, as many suspected, had been living the highlife.

War Machine’s capture was precipitated by a call to the cops after he assaulted a woman at the hotel.

Hotel guest Mary Casamento said she called police to the hotel after seeing a “big dude” yelling at and pushing a petite woman who was trying to calm him down. He grabbed her by the hair, Casamento said.

No word on if there was actually a gun or if cops just needed justification to use their Taser on account of War Machine being a gigantic douchebag and tasing him is probably just as fulfilling as getting a bj from Scarlett Johansson.