Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson and Ben Stiller will be this year’s recipients of the Hasty Pudding awards. The awards are only given to those who have made a “lasting and impressive contribution to the world of entertainment.” (Scarlett’s breasts and Stiller’s…perseverance.) Johansson’s award will be given February 15 where she will lead a parade through Cambridge before receiving the “Pudding Pot” at her roast. She will be ogled by many and probably be hand fed grapes while lying down on a golden bed.

Stiller will receive his award eight days later on February 23. He will neither lead a parade nor have a roast. He will enter from the back, quietly find his much less impressive “Pudding Snack” award sitting on a table and proceed to scour the cafeteria for a spoon. Sadly, campus security will throw him out because of their no vagrant policy.