Staring at Fergie’s face is like staring at an old catcher’s mitt. Its wrinkly leather distracting you from the fact that it has probably touched more balls than Mark Maguire’s bat. That’s why you choose to stare below the neckline which is when you unfortunately discover she’s flashing her panties. Jesus, having a face to face conversation with her is like maneuvering through a minefield. There’s really no safe place to rest your eyes. Your best bet is to stare at the sun and pray you go blind before she tells you to, “Look at me when I’m talking to you.”