Simon van Kempen Almost Gave His Baby His First Facial

Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen, if you don’t know, used to be on The Real Housewives of New York City but were fired. According to Jezebel, they had a knack for making any situation awkward. Knowing that, the book they wrote about raising their two sons should have been a good read. And it was. Oh how it was. In the first chapter, Alex describes the story of François birth which started out as a natural birth but ended up as a fetish porno after Alex orgasmed and Simon jizzed over her back while she was pushing the baby out.

Once he was finally out of my body, I experienced a tsunami of endorphins that was almost orgasmic, and I understand completely the stories other women have written about ecstatic birth. Simon was sitting behind me at the point of birth, and later when we untangled ourselves he discovered he’d actually ejaculated though hadn’t felt any of the normal lead-up to that. It may seem distasteful to some, and definitely neither of us was thinking of sex at the time, but with the rush of emotion and my lower nerve endings going crazy, it’s not too far a stretch to say that it’s a profound experience.

Whoa, wait. How exactly does this work? Why did they have to “untangle” their bodies? How does one get hard much less ejaculate while all that plasma and placenta is spilling out of a woman’s vagina? Also, how many years of therapy will this kid have to go through when his friends find this book and make fun of him because his dad just jizzed everywhere when he was born?

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