FX’s Ridiculous O.J. Simpson Miniseries Cast Photos as Judged by a Millennial

As someone who was quite young during the O.J. Simpson trial, most of what I know about the case is fairly equivocal: a football player whom I regularly got confused with my favorite breakfast beverage murdered his wife but got away with it because of shoddy evidence. I have been able to use my limited knowledge to have some high brow laughs when culturally relevant shows employ some topical humor. That’s right, I’ve seen Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

Honestly though, I know fairly little about the case. Most everything I know is through growing up without cable TV and Internet research on how the Kardashians ever became famous. I probably should be embarrassed, but it’s okay because I’m here to learn. I’m going to base all my research off these cast photos released by FX from their 2016 miniseries, The People v. O.J. Simpson, produced by Ryan Murphy, who has also produced Glee and American Horror Story. Keep an eye out for the pictures too because they literally look like the offspring of those two shows – weird but accurate.

Before I look up anything on the character, I’m going to judge them based only on what I currently know. I shall put my newly researched knowledge in italics. Okay, let’s have some FX-sponsored learning fun.

Johnnie Cochran

I’m going to go ahead and guess he was the prosecutor because of the glasses and that caterpillar. Also, that haircut.

I am blown away; a mustache misleads another victim. He was the doubtful DNA guy! You can’t be deceitful AND wear glasses! Maybe that trust-inducing lip rug was why the jurors were confused…

O.J. Simpson

Did O.J. Simpson wear turtlenecks? How did he have a wife in the first place? Were turtlenecks not sexually atrocious in the 90’s?! Additionally, I remember him looking less smug and more confused the whole time.

I had to specifically search “O.J. Simpson turtleneck” and this image is literally the only one that came up, so I’m going to go with A. No. B. Because he didn’t wear turtlenecks. C. I’m not prepared to know the answer. 

Kato Kaelin

In the least rude way possible, is Kato Kaelin a woman? I honestly have no recollection of this person. If Kato is a woman, Billy Magnussen is pulling it off. You make a decent looking lady, Magnussen.

Ahhhh Kato is a man, but also an actor, so my suspicions weren’t totally unwarranted. I am totally remembering now, there was a guy on the phone in the guest house. I still stand by the fact Billy Magnussen makes a fairly pretty lady. 

Marcia Clark

Was that hair offensive in the 90’s? Maybe it’s just me, but I’m getting a Julia Roberts in a bad perm vibe. Also, I’m gonna go Unbreakable here and say they should have just cast Tina Fey; she already has the whole outfit!

The prosecutor! I’m going to conclude no hairstyles were offensive in the 90’s. (Just when I repressed yours JT, those gel-y, bleached curls surface to haunt me once again.) Also, I shall base what I know about her on this Kimmy Schmidt quote: “We’re just Marcia and Chris, not famously incompetent California prosecutors.”

Robert Kardashian

You can not have a production this day and age without a Kardashian. Good call, FX. Also, huehuehue Ross.

You know what, I’ll just wait for the miniseries. I just do not need “Kardashian” to be in my search history another time. 

Robert Shapiro

Sweet Jesus, Travolta. You are playing the character I am most embarrassed to not know and you are giving me absolutely no clues! DID THEY ASK YOU TO FACE PROFILE AND BITE YOUR THUMB OR IS THIS JUST A TRAVOLTA ORIGINAL?! CAN I COUNT ON YOU FOR NOTHING?!

Ohhhh this is the guy that teamed up with Kim Kardashian for ShoeDazzle… You know what, upon realizing I know that, I’m gonna stop researching and go bleach my eyes; I’m a monster. 

In summary, I’m gonna say most of what I learned today is I know way too much about the Kardashians and John Travolta was picked for this cast probably because Scientology or his love of ShoeDazzle because he is not giving a Shapiro vibe. Also, here’s your reminder to look at the photos as Glee/American Horror babies, enjoy.

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