Bella Thorne Gets Called ‘Bella the Mammal’ Because Of All Her Body Hair

Bella Thorne wrote a guest blog for Instyle because when you’re famous, you can just write guest blogs for popular magazines. I swear I’m not bitter.

Anyway, she wrote the guest blog because she shared of photo of her hairy legs on Snapchat and people freaked. They probably would have freaked, or been super creepy, if her legs were perfectly shaved, but they freaked extra hard because her legs were hairy.

Here’s a bit of what she wrote. You can read the full article here.

Guys feel more manly when they have body hair, right? So what’s the problem with a woman wanting to feel more manly (or, in my case, just lazy AF)? Because I have a vagina, I have to be feminine all the time? Excuse me, but no.

Yup, she went with the “because I have a vagina” line almost right off the bat. Lena Dunham is smiling.

But you guys want to know something kind of awesome (well, at least I think it’s kind of awesome)? When you Google “armpit,” it comes up with a photo of a lightly hairy armpit on a GIRL. Hell yes.

Bella has a weird sense of humor. I’m cool with that. I don’t know what the point of this line is, other than Google prefers photos of the French, but I respect her research skills.

In closing, you may think of an armpit as gross and sweaty and smelly. And yes, all those things are true, but it’s also true that sweating keeps your body’s core temperature down. Boom! Homeostasis.

The article started about leg hair on women and ended up being about sweaty armpits, which applies to everyone. Here I thought my train of thought was all over the place.

What can I say? It’s always mating season when you have a brush under your pit.

At least now we know the universal sign.

Color me disappointed by this article. I expected Bella to go off on the haters and really lay into them about how she doesn’t give a damn what they think and that they aren’t her mom. It starts off strong but falls off a cliff fast.

Hey Bella, if you need help with your writing, feel free to reach out. I’ve seen every episode of Girls so I know how a strong feminist with a vagina should write.