You Can Now Get Drunk in All of Disney’s Parks

Earlier this year, Disney World in Florida started serving alcohol in all of its sit-down restaurants. You has actually been able to get booze in he part previously, but only at the Beauty and the Beast restaurant. California’s Disneyland, however, has remained alcohol-free, outside of the once-secret Club 33, the exclusive members-only restaurant, which was the only place to serve alcohol in Disneyland. Until now, that is.

Yes, now parents dragged to Disney parks on either coast can get good and smashed without paying a $50,000 membership fee. Disney revealed today that the Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge attraction, set to open in 2019, will have a cantina that will serve real alcohol.

Why was the Star Wars cantina elected to be the first place to sell booze to the general public inside Disneyland since the park opened in 1955? I’m guessing someone read the script of Episode IX and said “I need a fuckin’ drink.” Anyone who’s seen any of the previously-produced Disney Star Wars movies will know the feeling.

I think we need to expland this program from outside of Star Wars parks and into every theater playing a Star Wars movie produced after 1983. We can have little pop-up liquor stores called “Jabba Juice” outside every theater.

The downside to this is that it’s going to increase the number of people honking Minnie Mouse’s boob in pictures about a thousand-fold.