‘Star Wars’ Keeps Hinting That Rey Is a Skywalker

If you’ve watched all the Star Wars movies, you’ve probably figured out that Rey is most likely Luke Skywalker’s long-lost daughter. This has pretty much been the theory since people saw Episode VII, but Rian Johnson seemed to nix it by having Kylo Ren talk about how Rey’s parents were nobodies and everyone spent the whole movie talking about how any Star Wars movie not made by Rian Johnson was stupid bullshit.

Then the trailer for Episode IX landed a few days ago.

Hey, the Emperor is back! I wonder if it’s a bigger, better Emperor like the Not Death Star from Episode VII. Like a giant sith Kaiju. MechaSheev. And Rey has Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber. And the movie is called The Rise of Skywalker. All the Skywalkers are dead. Luke is dead, Leia is dead, Anakin is dead, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru aren’t even Skywalkers but they’re so dead. Rey’s alive though. And suspiciously lacking in the last name department.

She also had a weird connection to Kylo Ren, AKA Ben Solo, and wanted to redeem him. Why was that?

Well, here are some Star Wars headlines from the past two days.

J.J. Abrams On Rey’s Parents: “There’s More to the Story” in ‘The Rise of Skywalker’ – Slashfilm

Luke Skywalker Didn’t Die A Virgin According to Mark Hamill – ScreenRant

I can do basic math here. 1 + 1 + 1 = J. J. Abrams is going to make Rey a Skywalker.

I know what you’re thinking. “Rey and Kylo Ren had some weird, pychosexual relationship in Episode VIII, wouldn’t it be really weird and uncomfortable for them to turn out to be cousins?” And yeah, it would, but Luke full-on frenched Leia in Empire and then when Obi-Wan said he had a sister he was immediately like “Leia must be my sister, I could tell the whole time.”

“But surely the writers of a billion-dollar film franchise aren’t just flying by the seat of their pants and making s**t up as they go.” Have you seen Star Wars? For starters, it’s entirely clear that Darth Vader was meant to be his name. Lucas didn’t even know what a parsec was. And when he did sit down and put thought into planning a full trilogy of movies, we got midi-chlorians and six hours of trade route disputes on Space C-Span. S-Span.

Oh yeah, the midi-chlorians. You almost forgot about those, didn’t you? For Rey to be as strong in the force as she is, she’d have to have an astronomically high midi-chlorian count, because that’s how Star Wars works now. The things that makes you a destined hero is basically Space Kung Fu Eugenics. And it’s really only Skywalkers who have all those midi-chlorians.

Keep in mind that I don’t want this to be how the story plays ou, and I don’t feel like I’m particularly clever for putting these things together. If anything I’m annoyed that Disney bought Star Wars and has been pathologically unable to put out anything even coming close to a good movie, instead settling for “not as bad as The Phantom Menace” which is a bar I’ve seen cleared by movies that ended up on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Billy Dee Williams is back, though, so that’s pretty cool.