Mel B

Early Tuesday, Melanie “Scary Spice” Brown gave birth to what is assumed to be a human baby. Temporarily named Baby Brown, the 5lb. 4oz. baby girl is healthy and already has a good head of hair. The father is of yet unknown, but Eddie Murphy currently leads the race. Interestingly, the baby and Eddie Murphy share the same birthday. On a Dutch TV show last December, Eddie said about the pregnancy,

“I don’t know whose child that is until it comes out and has a blood test. You shouldn’t jump to conclusions, sir.”

Eddie Murphy wouldn’t know what to do with a vagina unless there was a prosthetic penis attached to it. So no, I don’t think Eddie’s the father either. On the other hand, this is Scary Spice we’re talking about. Factoring that in, Eddie may very well be the father. This is confusing. Why can’t they just toss the baby high into the air. If she lands head pointing to Scary, it’s Eddie’s. Otherwise she’s not. Simple, effective, brilliant.