Petra Nemcova

When, Petra Nemcova recently broke up with James Blunt. The nation heaved a sigh of relief, anyone who saw them together always thought how nice it was for Petra to take her kid brother with Down Syndrome out to play. Evidently, Petra is easy. She was spotted at Bungalow 8 partying with Paris’ ex, Stavros Niarchos. Page Six says,

“She was grinding him,” our witness said. “It was pretty gross. I mean, he used to sleep with Paris. Eww.” A rep for Nemcova said, “I haven’t heard of this.”

You could be missing half your face and Petra would still give you a handjob at the movie theater. Good news for me since my dates involve an imaginary tea party followed by cupcakes I made in my EZ Bake oven. After which, Petra will be like putty in my hands. But wait, before we get to it, I gotta turn all my stuffed animals around so they’re facing the wall. I’m shy.

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