George Clooney

28-year-old Sarah Larson, a self-described “actor” and “model”, but really just a cocktail waitress at the Palms Hotel bars, has texted her boss to tell him she quit because she’s going to travel the world with George Clooney.

One onlooker revealed: “At one point he just leaned over and kissed her on the lips.” And there are certainly perks to being Clooney’s new girlfriend.

At the film festival Sarah was wearing £1.5million worth of Bulgari diamonds.

The jeweller confirmed they were requested for “George Clooney’s girlfriend”.

George, 46, and Sarah then boarded his private jet and headed off to France where they attended the Deauville film festival.

I feel insulted. When I asked Sarah to run off and see the world with me, she threw a glass of rum in my face. Granted, I had a hefty chunk of her ass in my right hand when I said it, but that’s just how I roll. Come on. I’m as much as a jackpot as George Clooney, gosh darnit. I may not have private jets and limos like Clooney, but I do have this huge box I found by the recycle bin. It once contained a 80 inch PLASMA — I can’t emphasize that enough — TV, and when you attach wheels to it, you can actually go places. As long as you start from the top of a hill. Vroom, vroom!