Ingrid Rivera

Earlier, Miss Puerto Rico Universe Ingrid Marie Rivera claimed her clothing and makeup were covered in pepper spray by a jealous contestant. Police had misgivings about the claim and were curious how she managed to stop crying when the cameras turned on. A gown and brush which was believed to be sabotaged were given to police four days later and tested by the Caribbean island’s Forensic Sciences Institute. The results were negative for capsicum, pepper spray’s active ingredient. The director of the beauty pageant now wants them to test for other chemicals.

“I guess she has a lot of explaining to do,” police spokesman Stephen Alvarez said on Saturday.

Saying that he did not want his department used for purposes of publicity, Police Superintendent Pedro Toledo said he would investigate whether anyone provided false information to his detectives, which would be a felony.

Beauty pageants are highly competitive. That’s why I quit. I knew I had to get out after my nemesis put live scorpions in my underwear. I’m not lying either. I sent it to the lab to be tested (result: inconclusive). Alas, I don’t know how he got them in there without my knowledge, but armed with my winning smile and sheer willpower, I pulled through and won the blue ribbon at the state fair’s “Most Handsomest” man pageant. Suck on that jerk-wad. Hope you’re happy with second place “guy with elephantiasis of the face.”

P.S. I replaced your medication with laxatives. Sucker.