Jennifer Garner

In life, we often make choices that seem trivial at the time, but turn out to affect our entire future. Jennifer Garner made one of these choices in 2004 when she declined a date with Tom Cruise. Andrew Morton, author of Tom Cruise: An Unathorized Biography, writes that Jennifer was one of the celebrities Tom tried to make his wife before he met Katie Holmes.

Morton writes that Cruise left messages on the Alias star’s voice mail in 2004 asking “if she knew what freedom was,” but his advances were rebuffed. The book also claims Holmes signed a contract to commit to Scientology and that her father brokered a high-paying pre-nup.

If I was a woman and some guy left me a voicemail asking if I “knew what freedom was,” I’d move to another house. People who ask that are the type of people who chain you to a chair for a week and try to break you because to them, freedom is programming you to follow them around like an android. While, on the other hand, freedom to me is eating jelly donuts all day and gluing mirrors to my shoes to look up women’s skirts. That’s why I can never marry Tom Cruise. That and I’m not gay.

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