George Clooney

In the latest issue of Esquire, George Clooney responds to critics with humor rather than with anger and lawsuits which makes me swoon. Aww, George Clooney. Ain’t he the greatest?

On the rumor he started about getting his eyes done:

“They used to say you can’t make a joke in print, but you can get away with it on film. But now you can’t get away with it there. I did get my balls done, though. I got them unwrinkled. It’s the new thing in Hollywood – ball ironing.”

On the gay rumors posted on an internet bulletin board:

“George Clooney is GAY GAY GAY”.” Clooney responds, “No. I’m gay, gay. The third gay – that was pushing it.”

On 2girls1cup:

“I go on YouTube when somebody says to look something up,” he answers. “There was one a few years ago that killed me. Look up ‘monkey smells butt.'” I type it in. Up pops a video of a chimp sticking his finger up his butt, smelling it, then promptly passing out. Clooney roars with laughter. “He just smells it and goes wooo-ah and flops off to the side. That always kills me.”At this point, I make a segue that seemed relevant at the time, but in retrospect was probably a very bad idea. “You know,” I tell him, “I asked the guy who does the Esquire Web site what I should show George Clooney, and he said ‘Show him 2 Girls 1 Cup.'”

“What’s thats?”

“It’s the most disturbing video in the history of videos.”

“Show it to me.”

“Really? I don’t know.”

“I can take it,” Clooney says. “I’m a grown-up. We’re all grown-ups.”

“It’s scarring. It’ll scar you forever.”

“Is it long?” he asks.

“No,” I tell him, “but it’s so disturbing. I saw it once and can never get it out of my mind. I can’t watch it again.”

“I want to see it.”

Well, he asked. After a bit of searching, I find the link. I click it.

After several seconds: “It’s not so bad,” he says.

Three seconds later: “Oh.”

Another two seconds: “Oh, my GOD! Oh, my God!! Oh, my God!”

Clooney puts his hand over his mouth like he’s going to throw up. He bolts from his chair and walks out of the room.

Clooney’s longtime PR guy, Stan Rosenfeld, wants to know what the fuss is about. Clooney tells him he just watched the most repulsive video he’s ever seen. Rosenfeld wants to see it.

“I want to go at least one second more than George.”

“I’ve got to watch Stan watch it,” Clooney says, recomposing himself. “It’s like the rodeo – see how long you can last.”

Rosenfeld lasts three full seconds before walking out.

Clooney, having regarded himself all morning, now just watches, doubled over with laughter.

There are two videos on the web that everyone has to see. The first is 2girls1cup. The second is the BME Pain Olympics. 2girls1cup is shocking. The BME Pain Olympics is shocking and disturbing. More so for men. I shriek with terror if a sharp object comes within even 10 feet of my crotch, which makes buttering bread pretty hard and embarrassing, but at least my penis is still intact.

Esquire journalist gets George Clooney to watch “2 Girls, 1 Cup” [Celebitchy]