Jean-Claude Van Damme

Last week, Jean-Claude Van Damme did an interview with Newsweek’s Sarah Ball about his very meta indy film JCVD. The conversation started out great… for about four questions. After that, it pretty much devolved into Jean-Claude Van Damme awkwardly hitting on Sarah.

Beautiful? Why?
I really opened myself up in “JCVD.” I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.

OK —
It was like being naked—I would love to be naked in front of you.

Well, I —
Not being naked being naked. I say such things in Hong Kong and they thought I was being a crazy Frenchman. Being naked of protection.

So you’ve no regrets at all?
Believe me—I’ve done very good stuff and very crazy stuff, and I don’t regret the crazy stuff. So are you in New York?

Yes, I am.
And are you 27, or 32?

I’m 22.
Oh, f–––. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?

I don’t know. When is it?
I don’t know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?

Uh —
You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.

You could actually hear Jean-Claude salivate and his pants tighten when Sarah said she was 22. I think Sarah should do it. You only live once and who hasn’t wanted to fend off creepy, sexual advances and be inappropriately fondled at a premiere by Jean-Claude Van Damme?

By the way, I’m putting up that JCVD dancing boner video again. It goes really well with this post.

[Image via Splash News]