Michael Phelps

As a direct result of those bong photos, Olympic merman Michael Phelps has tinted the windows to his Baltimore house to stop paparazzi from photographing him. He has also taken to “hiding out in strip clubs” since that’s apparently the only place he can party where no one can take his picture.

Strip clubs are also the only places where girls are forced to take interest in his goofy ass. Seriously. He has a fifty pounds of gold hanging around his neck, but that doesn’t change the fact he looks like character out of a Nickelodeon cartoon. Every time he opens his mouth, I keep expecting a speech bubble to pop up above his head.