20110715-doug-courtney

Dough Hutchison, 51, and his permanently duck-lilpped bride Courtney Stodden, 16, sat down with Good Morning America to talk about their unlikely marriage. Apparently no drugs were involved. Wha… wha… what?

This entire relationship is a joke. A really funny joke because you know they’re divorcing in a couple years. Courtney says she’s never been to high school or driven a car and that Doug is her first serious boyfriend. Who she met online. A bunch of warning bells should have gone off by now.

“The way we met was really beautiful,” Stodden said in an interview with “Good Morning America” anchor Lara Spencer. “My mother was managing my career. Her friend told my mother that [Hutchison was] holding some workshops for acting. And I was very interested in acting. So what better way than to connect that way?”

“She sent me an email. And our exchange, at first, was just really about business,” Hutchison said.

“Totally innocent,” Stodden added.

He was in Hollywood, and she was in Washington state: hundreds of miles apart, but slowly growing closer. Hutchison claimed Stodden made the first move toward romance.

“Did I?” Stodden said, laughing.

“Yeah, she was being very flirtatious,” Hutchison said.

“Well come on, he’s so handsome,” Stodden said.

Courtney must have a tumor pressing against her brain.

Hutchison says he didn’t know Courtney was 16 at first but when he found out, it didn’t make him to walk away. “It was definitely a struggle inside my heart.” Oh whatever. We all know that’s bs. The only struggle he had was trying to figure out the best way to bang this chick without running into Chris Hansen.

Courtney’s mother, Krista Stodden, monitored their exchanges, aware that Hutchison was decades older than her daughter.

When Doug realized he and Courtney had something serious, he called her parents.

“I said, Krista, I don’t know if you know this or not, but your daughter and I are falling in love…. If you and [Courtney's father, Alex Stodden] have any misgivings whatsoever about this … I will respect you, and Courtney will respect you. And we will step back.”

The phone conversation could be loosely translated to, “I’d like to marry your daughter to legally have sex with her. Will you agree?” Lucky for him, her parents are idiots and so is Courtney, apparently. A lack of a high school education will do that to you.

Courtney and Doug laughed off the widespread view that her voluptuous body is fake.

“It’s real,” she said.

“It’s rill, head to toe…. R-I-double L.”

“Courtney’s plastic surgeon was God,” Doug quipped.

“Thank you, Jesus,” Courtney said.

Wait, did she really spell “real” “rill?” No way. That has to be a joke. Let me review the tape. Hm, seems they cut that part out. But listening to her talk for five minutes you can tell she’s an imbecile. I’m surprised she hasn’t drowned in her bathtub yet.

Other things to take away from this. Courtney’s dad is four years younger than Doug, Courtney says she’s very mature for her age, Courtney was a virgin when she married him, she calls Doug her gift from God and instead of going to high school, she’s home schooled through an online Christian academy. Oh and they’re planning a reality show. Obviously.

One of the things that creeps me out about this is the way Courtney looks completely infatuated with Doug. The entire time she’s giving him F me eyes and licking her lips. This woman is nuts.

Bonus video: Buzzfeed did a remix of Courtney Stodden’s lip-smacking. It’s amazing. Check it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyMYNOnVFqs&feature=player_embedded