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Sofia Vergara covers the April 2012 issue of Esquire in lingerie and talks about what it’s like to be in a relationship with a Latin woman. Just imagine the irrationality of a normal woman times 10.

On being crazy: Yeah. There’s always a lot going on. Nick [Sofia’s boyfriend] wonders how I can get really mad and scream, then turn around, do something, come back, and forget that I was mad.

On men not understanding the crazy: Of course! The first time it happened, he thought, This woman is insane. One time I was screaming with my sister. Then the next day, I told him I was having lunch with her. He said, “How? You were just fighting with her!”

On not realizing you’re crazy: I didn’t even realize it was weird or insane until I came here. It’s not out of the ordinary where I come from. Everybody’s like that. It’s better that way. You forget about what’s bothering you. It’s not like you’re holding it inside, you know? You get it out — and it’s over with.

On the loudness of Latinas: Oh, yeah. We’re very loud. Ed O’Neill tells a funny story: When we were shooting one of the first episodes of Modern Family, our trailers were connected. So if I’m in my trailer screaming on the phone, he can hear me perfectly. I was having one of those “Oh, my God!” conversations with one of my cousins for twenty minutes. As soon as it ended, there’s a knock on the door. It’s Ed. “Sofia, are you okay?” I’m like, “What do you mean?”

“I thought maybe you were crying or having a heart attack or something.”

“Oh, no. I was just on the phone with my cousin. We were talking about someone else.”

On not being able to cook: Listen, I didn’t know how to make coffee when I came to the United States. Because in Colombia the maids do it. A mother tells the maids what to cook. The mothers are like conductors of the household. But they’re not really doing it.

On ridiculous American bikinis: Oh, me too! I was like, What is that? It’s like a diaper. It’s terrible. Who can look good in that? When I moved to the United States, I used to have bathing suits brought up from Colombia.

On why living in Colombia is so awesome: There’s nothing slutty about a dental-floss bikini. You don’t even think about it. The first bathing suit your mother buys you is in the shape of a triangle.

That’s it. I’m packing my bags and moving to Colombia with my long lens and spy cam to study the Latin woman in her natural habitat. The beach. In the name of science, of course.