Puking

Regardless of your attitude toward cops, they have to deal with some pretty ridiculous shit. In many cultures in the United States, we are brought up to call 911 at any onset of an issue. Now, because the definition of an issue varies tremendously and because the stupid shit people get themselves into varies tremendously, police officers are subjected first hand to some of the most unique situations. But what do they really see?

When one has a question, the best place to ask is the internet, the best forum of the internet becomes Reddit’s sub, r/askreddit… the question posed: Police officers of Reddit, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve caught teenagers or kids doing that is illegal but you found hilarious? Oddly specific, but who dumber than a child?

The best story comes second-hand from the kid of a cop. User, I_AM_AN_ASSHOLE_AMA, unlike many children of cops I know, remembers fondly:

He gets a call one night about some teenagers vandalizing a park. Dispatch lets him know that its a lady that calls 24/7 thinking she’s the neighborhood watch. So as he cruises in towards this park he comes in all lights blacked out and watches from a distance. After a couple minutes of watching he realizes these people are playing hide and seek. They also look a little older than just teenagers. He gets out of a car and sneaks up to some of them hiding in a group behind some trees and bushes. My dad hunkers down behind them and one of them looks back and sees him. The kid freaks out and starts to run and my dad grab’s him and says “Dude shut up or the other team will find us!” The guys crack up cause now they realize my dad is down to win this game. He ends up playing hide and seek with this group of 21 year olds for the next hour.

My uncle is a cop in my neighborhood and I still think the cops in my neighborhood are dicks. The second part is totally par for the course in my hometown:

The best part was about 6 months later. I’m having a Halloween shindig at my house and my dad stops by cause he wants to score some burgers off us while he’s at work. He walks in and a guy at the party is like “Holy shit, your dad is officer ****! He played hide and seek with us!”

A cop wanting to use his power to score? Unheard of!

In another town somewhere, user smaches has another fortunate run-in with a cop:

I have a similar story about a cop being cool. I work at a BDSM shop in thevery area of my town between the really nice and really bad parts. Two on duty cops came in, and were really curious about what everyrhing does. I spent an hour explaining ball crushing devices, speculums, floggers, clamps, you name it. We then walked over to the dildo section and I warned the female cop to be careful of the purple one on the end, as it shocks you. ‘Really?’ She asked, very curious. So naturally, I asked her if she wanted to try it. She grabs it and screamed at the top of her lungs while I giggled furiously. I did warn her. The best part though? She bought a blindfold and a hog slapper with the word PIG cut out of it, so it would leave a bruise with the word pig on it…

Internalized self-hatred is the root of most sexuality anyway.

Weeding through this forum, there are no good stories told first hand by a Redditor-cop. All the dumbest things happen in college so it’s only fair to include a story from the time in your life when your parents have finally relinquished their control over your immature tendencies. User Lucinda remembers well:

While in College we got the police called on us for a violent crime in progress.

When they pounded on our door we opened and they barged in. The neighbor reported hearing people yelling things like, ‘Shut up you little cunt I’m going to rape your fucking twelve year old ass!’ Along with a girl screaming profanity. When the cops saw it was three guys and a girl drinking and playing Halo the one just looks at the others in sheer disbelief.

The cop starts to tell us they were called in for a rape in progress and tell us how we need to be more careful and whatnot because it could have ended badly. During this time my friend is still on the headset and the other guys we were playing with are wondering what the hell is going on and are hassling him…and then my friend says with the cop in the room, ‘We were apparently raping you fuckers so badly somebody had to call the cops.’ And the cops just can’t hold it in and start cracking up.

Flames emoji for the burn!!!!! Finally from an actual cop, winning_ugly:

Got a noise complaint call where the neighbors inform dispatch the parents are out of town and suspect underage drinking and or possible drug use. (These types of calls are the worst because you can almost guarantee someone is puking in the back of your car and you’ll have to write a buttload of local ordinance paper). We roll up, throw the overheads on to scatter as many as possible and make a slow walk up to the front door. We play the “nobody’s home” game for awhile until one of the kids lets my partner in the back door.

We subsequently find around 12 teenagers and what appears to be multiple bottles of rum and vodka as well as several baggies containing marijuana and some pills. Upon further inspection, we find the liquor bottles have been emptied and filled with water, the marijuana is actually oregano and parsley and the pills were just aspirin. They were having a pretend party to put on social media but the strongest thing in the room was a Redbull.

Freshman year of high school, I got eerily similar invitation… and thus I began my career of chronic party avoidance.

With all the news surrounding Flint, Michigan right now, it seems only fair to include a story from a native. From Flint resident, Swichts:

I feel like a cop has a story about me and 2 other people. Here goes.

I was 20 at the time, and at an outdoor party at a friends. Late fall, 50 degrees or so, no leaves left on the trees. Roughly 50-60 people, mostly underage, most were drinking. My friends parents lived in a nicer part of a bad area, and owned an inflatable bounce house business. They had EVERYTHING set up. A bounce house, sumo suits, massive slide, all sorts of drunken fun shit. Around 1030 it’s getting loud and the police show up. Someone yells “COPS. RUN!!!” and everyone starts running. I decide to join the crowd, and end up hiding in a bush with two people. Then, reality hits. I’m wearing a white hoodie, the guy next to me has on a neon yellow hoodie, and this girl has a fucking glow necklace on. The bush? Not a fucking leaf on it. Right then a cop walks up, starts laughing and asks “really guys??” and shines a flashlight directly on us. He instructs us to head back to the driveway with the other captives, and gives all of us a pretty hilarious speech.

“Seriously? We are the Flint police department. We have a million things better to do rather than chase down drunk minors. We had 2 murders just this week. We were just coming by to tell you to keep the noise down. Now we are pouring out all your beer and calling your parents. Now we’re even”

People are idiots and that’s why there’s law enforcement. It’s a shame that law enforcement is comprised entirely of the people who also happen to be idiots.

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